My Secret
by Alexandria Hunston
Summary: A One Shot or whatever you want to call it - a part of my past that I felt the need to share. Read if you like and review if you want. Thank you for taking a chance on me.


XxXxXxX

My high school had never been a place I loathed

Until today

XxXxXxX

I strategically placed my books in front of my stomach as I ventured into my early morning AP English class.

A few months ago I would have ran to the front of the classroom and entertained everyone until the teacher arrived.

Not today.

No, today I slid into the very first desk I saw, making sure to keep my head down, my stomach covered.

I heard my name from across the room and looked up to find a group of students staring at me.

I knew what they wanted with me.

My name was called again.

I didn't answer instead I turned my emerald eyes down to my red English folder and kept them there until the teacher arrived.

"Good morning," Mrs. Lightwood smiled and nodded to the students as she made her way to the front of the classroom.

All the students wanted to be in this class but only a few were chosen.

I had always thought I was one of the lucky ones.

All the students loved Mrs. Lightwood; she treated us as equals instead of students.

I now know that was wrong, we were students not adults.

Mrs. Lightwood stood in front on the projector, "Now, seeing as your junior year is coming to an end."

She smiled as the room erupted in cheers and laughter.

"Today we will be discussing your end of the year essay."

"Oh come on Mrs. Lightwood, don't do this to us," Brandon Cowart cried out as he raised his hands up in the air.

I couldn't help but grin, Brandon was the class clown, always had been since the ninth grade.

Mrs. Lightwood shook her head, "No we don't have to do anything."

More cheers from the students.

"As long as you're not planning to go to college," Mrs. Lightwood's tone was serious.

Brandon groaned as he dropped his forehead on his desk.

"Moving on," Mrs. Lightwood walked over to the projector and began to write something before turning the switch on.

My mouth went dry when her words lit up on the screen.

 ** _Why would she pick that subject?_**

"For the first paragraph of your essay, the introduction, you will need to draw your reader in."

I could hear the beating of my heart through my ears.

Mrs. Lightwood was talking but I wasn't listening.

I was staring at the screen.

It wasn't until I heard a student's voice that I came back to the conversation.

"A need for attention," Kaelie Whitewillow's nasally voice made me cringe, she seemed to be answering a question that came from the teacher.

"That's good Kaelie," Mrs. Lightwood began to scribble on the projection.

My hands were beginning to sweat, **_was this really happening_**?

"Anyone else," Mrs. Lightwood looked up from the projector and gazed around the room.

"Stupidity," Seelie Queen chuckled as she gave her suggestion.

"Okay, what else," Mrs. Lightwood's big brown eyes continued to move around the room.

"A lack of self-respect," I blinked, did my best friend really just say that?

"Very good Isabelle, I'm impressed," Mrs. Lightwood gave Isabelle a dazzling smile before turning her attention back to her writing.

I sat there stunned, **_this could not be happening to me_**.

"Clary," I heard my voice but I didn't answer.

"Clary, did you not hear me," I turned my head to Mrs. Lightwood.

I wanted to yell at her.

But I didn't.

"No ma'am, I'm sorry."

Mrs. Lightwood pressed her bright red lips tightly together.

"Well now that I have your attention, will you please stand and read the introduction out loud."

It wasn't a request, it was an order.

I wanted to run.

I wanted to hide.

But I didn't.

"Yes Mrs. Lightwood."

I stood from my desk; my legs were shaking beneath me.

I opened my mouth and closed it.

My green eyes fixed on the words that I was supposed to read.

"Why teenage girls get pregnant," my voice cracked as I read the title to the essay.

I could hear the whispers flowing through the classroom.

"Teenage girls feel the need for attention, the need to keep someone or something close to them."

I could hear the laughter coming from the other side of the room.

"Teenage girls do not make wise choices when becoming sexually active with their partner."

I could hear my name being carried around the room.

"Teenage girls that have low self-esteem are unable to say no when it comes to sex."

I stopped speaking.

I stood there frozen.

Tears were filling my eyes as I stared out at my classmates.

I had known most of them my entire life.

I thought that they were my friends.

I thought they would have my back.

I thought wrong.

I could hear Mrs. Lightwood urging me to continue.

I couldn't.

NO.

I wouldn't.

Kaelie Whitewillow had answered, **_need for attention._**

Did she **_need attention_** in the eighth grade when she gave Jordan Kyle a blow job in the back of the bus on the way home from a field trip?

A few weeks later Jordan dumped Kaelie for Melissa Freeman.

Seelie Queen had answered **_stupidity._**

Was it her **_stupidity_** that caused her to go to the Health Department last year because one of her **MANY** sexual partners had been diagnosed with an STD?

Isabelle Lightwood had answered **_a lack of self-respect_**.

Was it a **_lack of self-respect_** that caused Isabelle to sleep with her boyfriend Simon when he threatened to break up with her if she didn't have sex with him?

Simon broke up with Isabelle less than six months after she gave him her virginity.

"Clary Fairchild, you will finish, right now," Mrs. Lightwood was staring at me with anger.

Without a word I bent down and picked up my books.

Then I stood.

I was nothing but a terrified pregnant sixteen year old girl staring back at a teacher that I should have been able to trust.

"No," my voice was quiet.

"Excuse me," Mrs. Lightwood frowned as she moved her hands to her hips.

I stood straight.

This was my moment.

This was my time.

I was scared to death.

I knew I wasn't ready.

But I wouldn't show it.

Not to them.

None of them were worth it.

"I said no," I took a very small step forward, my body visibly shaking.

I took a breath.

 ** _This is happening._**

"You're right, I may need attention. I did not use good judgement. And yes, I do have low self-esteem but guess what?"

My green eyes were overflowing with tears as I met every student's stare.

"So do you, I was just the one that got caught," my voice was thick with emotion as I felt the tears rolling down my face.

I turned to leave the room but I stopped.

Standing in the doorway I turned back to look at Mrs. Lightwood.

Her mouth was wide open as she stared back at me.

With my head held high I spoke loud and clear.

"I'd be careful what I say about others, you never know how your children will turn out or your grandchildren."

I left the room.

I ran.

I ran

Until I knew I was safe.

I ran

Until I knew I was hidden.

And then

I broke.

I cried.

And

I cried some more.

I cried until there were no tears left.

I cried until I felt empty.

I cried until I felt like I was nothing.

XxXxXxX

Okay so this is different – but this is my past, this is a part of me that I felt that I needed to share it. I did not have a Beta look over this, not because I don't trust ILOVEMESOMECAPTIANAMERICA or anyone else but I was scared. I was terrified that if I allowed someone to read it before it was posted - I would have deleted it.

I have several more one shots that I hope I will one day find the courage to share with you but right now this is the one I have finally found a voice to give you.

If you have ever read my profile you would know that I have been through some pretty crappie stuff but everyone has. This part of my past happened so very long ago but I realized a few years ago that I had truly never let it go.

I didn't write this because I feel ashamed or want pity. I wrote this to let others know that you are not alone. High school can be great but it can also be someone 's own personal nightmare.

Think before you speak because your words carry so much power, the power to lift someone up and the power to push someone down. You never know how your words change someone but you will, someday you will run into someone from your past - will they have fond memories of you or will you be remembered like Seelie, Kaelie or Isabelle?

So here is a small glimpse into one of my secrets - a piece of my past. I have several more moments that I would like to share with you - one being the very worst. That story will take time but until those stories find their voice I hope this one will help someone.

Hopefully in the near future I will do a follow up from this one shot so you can see what it was like for me to have to deal with this part of my past - I want to share that with you so you know that things do get better and that people change - they grow.

This is for you; this is so you are not alone.

I love you all


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